Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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