When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I touched a dick in church today
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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