your parents love me but you hate me
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
