im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
