Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
