If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
