Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
