Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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