I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
