The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
