If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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