fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
