my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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