once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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