I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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