Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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