Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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