i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
