Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
