she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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