i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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