im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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