happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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