His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Life is so much better after having sex.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
