I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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