No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?