Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
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Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?