pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
