umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't deserve a penis
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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