All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
