I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sorry my hands just texted you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
