oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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