just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
