I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
