dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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