you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
