Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
