I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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