I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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