I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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