i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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