i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
