my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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