Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
