U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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