Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
