6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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