craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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