i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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