a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
