I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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