if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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