I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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