If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
