I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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