3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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