My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
