I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
