I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
you made out with another girl for some wings
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
