I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
