Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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