I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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