yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
